So it’s Self-Portrait Tuesday again… This week, to close out the month on body parts, I’ve decided to go for a picture of my eye. Other than the really bright flash washing out my forehead, I think that it came out pretty well. 🙂
I’m joining in the craze a little late, but I read about this on Lolly‘s blog last week and was fascinated by it. I’ll put up the button in my sidebar a little later on.
I decided to be different – everyone seems to be doing hands lately, but I got an accidental picture of my neck – which I actually think came out pretty well. When I did more photography, one of my dream projects was to photograph people’s tattoos, focusing on the body parts inked, not the person. Maybe I’ll still get around to it one day… *sigh*
… your date says "this restaurant should be okay, I don’t think I’ve busted anyone in here." (I’m paraphrasing here.)
Went out with M this afternoon. It was fun. It was different. We ended up having a late lunch – the lateness partly (not totally) being due to his thinking of a place to go. This was the first time I’ve been to his new apartment, so I got to take a look around. He explained that his beat was basically his neighborhood – and he had busted quite a few people that worked in the various restaurants on the main drag. LOL. He said it was pretty uncomfortable walking into a restaurant and realizing he’d busted half of the wait staff on various charges. ::rolling eyes:: I can only imagine. We then ended up back at his place where we watched the rest of The Karate Kid. Gawd, I used to love Ralph Macchio. When I was about 12. 😉
Anyways, back to the date. Like I said, it was different. I haven’t been on a date of any kind in almost 3 years, so it was like a new experience for me. M was nothing if not nice, just different from what I’ve been used to. You know, attentive and all. And attracted to me. No, we didn’t have sex, but Phyl, the bra and panty lecture you gave came in handy. LMAO! No, I won’t go into the gory details… all I will say is that it was fun, but different. I guess every new person is going to be different, though… right?
On the ride home, I started thinking about the guys I’ve dated. I’ve noticed a pattern… How sad is that? Apparently out of the last 5 guys, all of them seem to meet these criteria:
- Must be older (between 5-10 years) than me. (All but one meet this one.) Preferably prematurely greying. (I don’t know where that one came from but 3 out of the last 5 were. Does anyone have Anderson Cooper’s number? lol)
- Must live between 30 mins – 1 hour away from me. (WTF? Can’t I find someone any nearer to me??)
- Must be either current or former military. (Someone shoot me now. Please.)
- Must be between 5’9" and 5’11" tall. (Again, only one doesn’t meet this…)
If you or anyone you know meet these criteria, please give them my number… NOT! Maybe it’s like 12-step, accepting the problem is the first step. LOL.
WARNING: This post is littered with many dirty words – like fuck. I speak like this in normal conversation. If you offend easily, then go away. ‘Nuff said.
I know, I posted that post on betrayal last week but haven’t come back to explain… Don’t flog me or anything (at least not until I get to know y’all better, lmao!). The story starts: On New Year’s Eve 2002 girl meets boy, boy falls for girl a few weeks after that, girl resists then falls for boy, boy invites girl to move in. All is well until boy gets deployed to a dangerous area… Girl moves out of their place, boy is in the dangerous area complaining, both continue to declare love for each other. Fast forward 11 months. Boy returns, if only for a few weeks. Boy continues to declare love and devotion for girl, girl is happy. Boy says he has to go a few places for work (government) and will email and call as often as he can. Girl receives a few emails, no calls, where boy continues to declare love and devotion. Girl stops receiving emails from boy with no warning. Girl is hurt and confused, making lots of excuses for him. Friends start to warn girl, girl does not want to listen. Nice story so far, right? Still interested in the rest?
Fast forward to two Saturdays ago. I continue to be worried about him (hereafter known as R) – I haven’t heard from him in 4 months – so I decide to see if I can check his email to see if he’s even read any of them in the last few months. (I’m so not proud of this, but whatever.) Mind you, I’m not sure of his email password, but I decide to give the one password of his I know a shot. It worked. I logged out, pretty shocked that it worked (and that he was enough of an idiot to keep the same password for all of his logons…), called friends to see if it was wrong to go in the account, nevermind that this is what I had wanted to do in the first place. Left numerous messages, then decided to go on in. It looked as if he generally wasn’t reading his emails, save for the few from Monster.com… then I started looking at the senders and subject lines of the other emails in there. I’m seeing emails from sites to meet other singles – and not just as friends. I went to a few of the sites and they are definitely for the purposes to meet others to fuck. What’s worse is that all the "matches" are in the fucking VA/MD/DC area. I’m sitting here, being FAITHFUL for Christ’s sake, wondering where in the world he is – because in his last couple of emails he kept telling me that he couldn’t tell me where he was – and he’s quite possibly in the area, fucking other women! WTF?!?! Then I see an old email in his account from a site for bisexual women looking for other bisexual women to "play" with. Also the only one he kept login info from (hey, I said I wasn’t proud of myself). I login as him and I see a perfect description of me in his ad – and he said that we were a couple looking for someone to "play with in bed." WTF? Ummmm… if you’re going to place an ad like that – about ME – you had better fucking tell me! I know, I may sound somewhat prudish in this post, trust me, I so am not. I had told R on a few occasions that I didn’t mind him looking at porn, b/c where else is he going to have that outlet? I’ve looked with him. I don’t mind that. But this?? Where he’s looking to meet women – in the area – to fuck? I definitely have a problem with that. So I’ve been feeling like the biggest idiot for waiting for his sorry ass when he’s probably been fucking anything that moves! Of course, since he still thinks that I don’t know and that I have no clue where he is, I’ve sent him an email telling him we have to talk. ASAP. Of course he hasn’t responded. That’s no big surprise. So, there goes the tale of R & me. (I so need to give myself a nickname on here, lol.)
So in all the frenzied phone calls to friends, I somehow ended up with a date for today. He’ll be called M… he’s a (insert County here) cop and works nights, so we’ll be doing a lunch date. I’ve known him for about 4 or 5 years and he’s had a thing for me for awhile. When we first met, he was married – I told him that I couldn’t mess around with a married man. When I got back in touch with him two years ago, he was divorced, but I was already dating R. So apparently, the timing was finally right this time. He knows the bare bones of the story between me and R, and seems to be okay that I’m pretty much using him. LOL. But is it right? Oh well… we’ll have to see how it goes. It may be lunch, and nothing more. If there is more, I’m going to be prepared though. (Hey, he already knows that I’m using him! lol) Funny thing is… while I’m all about women buying condoms and having them in their purses in case spontaneous sex happens, I’ve never done it myself. Yes, that’s right, I’m 30 and have never purchased condoms. LMAO! (I haven’t needed to in the last few years b/c I thought I was in a committed, monogamous relationship… funny how that works.) So the other night I take my ass into the local drug store and start looking around. Who knew that there were so many kinds??? With or without ribs, with or without spermicide, for her pleasure, ones to make him last longer… Who can choose? So I grabbed some (don’t ask which ones I got – I’d have to look at the package and that’s nowhere near me) and headed to the checkout. A somewhat liberating experience. And at least I’m prepared should anything happen… Right?
Betrayal… Interesting word, isn’t it? According to dictionary.com, betrayal has a few meanings:
tr.v. be·trayed, be·tray·ing, be·trays
- To give aid or information to an enemy of; commit treason against:
betray one’s country.
- To deliver into the hands of an enemy in violation of a trust or allegiance: betrayed Christ to the Romans.
- To give aid or information to an enemy of; commit treason against:
- To be false or disloyal to: betrayed their cause; betray one’s better nature.
- To divulge in a breach of confidence: betray a secret.
- To make known unintentionally: Her hollow laugh betrayed her contempt for the idea.
- To reveal against one’s desire or will.
- To lead astray; deceive.
Now, what might you ask, would I be writing about betrayal for? Well, I’m trying to wrap my head around the whole definition of the word… and the idea that someone would willingly betray my trust – and moreover, (because it’s all really about me, isn’t it) that in being hurt that I would betray that same person. Which is really more childish? And is it really betrayal if I was wronged first?
Okay, I just spent an insane amount of time trying to write out the reasons for the betrayal and just can’t commit it to "paper". I’m going to have to try and wrap my head around it all before I try to write. I fucking hate it when that happens. More later.
Yup, it’s my first post here. I really started this blog as a way to vent other feelings that I just don’t feel comfortable expressing on my other blog. Yeah, I know… It’s my fucking blog and I should be able to say whatever the hell I want, right? Well, yes… and no. With the other blog, I know there are people who read it and come into the place I work and comment on it. (Really, there’s nothing weirder than having some stranger come in saying that they recognize you from your blog… especially when you don’t post a hell of a lot of pictures of yourself.) The other blog is mostly devoted to my craft/passion/job – and I just don’t want that to cross over into my personal life. I want this one to be devoted to the other passion: me. Not that I think anyone will read this or even care, but who knows? LOL. Stranger things have happened. So with all that, I will try to post semi-frequently… or at least somewhat regularly. ::rolling eyes:: Should anyone need to email me for anything (not that you will, lol) I can be reached at knitgirl at gmail dot com (obviously substituting the "at" and "dot" for the symbols – or just click on the link).