Even if it isn’t what might be the “best” for me. *sigh*
The heart has reasons which the reason cannot understand. – Blaise Pascal
Okay, so you might be able to tell from the title of the post (and if you read this one) that, yes, I’m still in touch with Camping Boy (who might one day merit a single letter all of his own). However, there has been a change in his situation – he’s getting a divorce.
A few weeks ago, after a few days of no contact after the birthday texting, I noticed that he was posting really gloomy status updates on Facebook, so I messaged him about it (no matter what, I do care). He told me what was going on, including the bit about the divorce, of course. A friend pointed out to me that when two people have such a strong connection and one of them is married, of course the other would wish that something would happen to set the other free. A wild wish, nothing more. And she’s right – I did wish that, but I never meant it. (Lest you think that this is something that he’s just saying to get back together with me, I’ve had it confirmed by a few of our mutual friends without asking them a thing. One who slammed him to my face and is sweet as pie to him in person… but that’s another story. They all volunteered this info.*)
I’ve never wanted to be that woman – and he swears up and down that what happened this summer has nothing to do with this change – so where does this leave us? I mean, once he told me that, all the barriers I had thrown up between us pretty much have become non-existent. Smart? Probably not. Is it what I want? Strangely, yes.
I mean, the biggest thing between us was the fact that he’s married. Now… well, that’s ending and we’re back to the “good morning” and “good night” texts and talking throughout the day. Is it possible that I’m falling for him again? Yes. I admit that freely. But I’m definitely taking it slower this time. Or, I’m trying to, at least. At one point he told me that he didn’t want to lose me again. When I asked how he didn’t want to lose me: as a friend, as a lover, or both, I wasn’t prepared for his answer. He said both, definitely, but as a friend first – that it crushed him when I cut him out of my life this summer. So I let him know what he needed to do to not lose me – he needs to be honest with me. I already have enough trust issues without having to worry about that.
So, where do we go from here? I’ve missed him, I know.
* Also, just in case you think that my friends have gone crazy and not said anything to me about being careful, very careful, they have. They’ve also told me that they want me to be happy. Which is why I love them.