I adore my guy friends. I should, as I have lots of them. For most of them, I am just, as one of them so succinctly put it, “a guy with tits.” Surprisingly, this doesn’t annoy me – unless I accidentally get interested in one of them (which has happened more often than I care to admit), but even then it fades quickly and life goes on with me as just one of the guys. It’s an arrangement that works out well for all of us – they can get a girl’s point of view without having to censor themselves for fear of shocking me and I can get the guy’s take on my love/sex life. (Actually they love to hear the stories I tell about what I was up to on camping weekends and I do love a captive audience.)
However, now I have an issue which makes it all messy. One of the Hockey Boys drunkenly told me that he was interested/in love with me the other night. It just kinda slipped out. I’m not sure if he meant to tell me or if it accidentally happened, but it was definitely after I had told him about Running Boy… We were at the Caps pre-season game against the Blackhawks and we’re hanging out with another of the Hockey Boys and his friend and they’re giving me crap about not going to any of their games lately. So they tell me that I have a team jersey with my name on it when I start going to games again, which I am completely touched by. I tell them that and lean over to thank HBJ (it’s just easier to differentiate them) and ask if I have a number and he answers “why do you think I asked you what your favorite number was?”. Then it happened. A lot of it is fuzzy because I immediately reached over to the other HB and grabbed the bottle of vodka he smuggled into Verizon Center and started drinking (not good, I know). I know there was a declaration of caring and wanting to be with me… and that he is being patient…
I kept drinking and ignoring it until the game was over (GO CAPS) and we were waiting for the train, then I decided to approach the subject. I know that I told him that while I loved him dearly, I wasn’t in love with him; that he was a good catch for any girl, but I wasn’t that girl; that he and I were such good friends and I didn’t want to destroy that. I don’t know if that was the equivalent of stomping on his heart and tossing it aside, I certainly hope not. I’m not even sure how much of all that he remembers. He went with me to see Ben Folds at the Kennedy Center last night – and we both acted like nothing was different, though it kind of was. Maybe that was all in my head, though.
Which brings me to the upsetting thought that I could be hurting one of my friends by not loving him back, but my heart already is with someone else who may or may not deserve it. What to do? What would you do? (Yes, that’s begging for comments, but whatev, I want guidance! LOL.)